Babywearing

Babywearing provides an easy way to integrate baby into your life by offering options to keep the little one close to your heart where they’re comfortable, skin-to-skin to regulate temperature, easy nursing access, and flexibility so you can be hands free for cooking, cleaning, shopping, eating, and many other tasks new mothers may find difficult while adjusting to life with a new baby.

Babywearing is a beneficial type of kangaroo care that keeps babies close, stimulates physical, emotional, and mental development and helps babies, particularly preemies, where studies show they gain weight and are healthier than those who are not worn.

Many moms are getting into the trend of high quality carriers to ensure their child’s safety, but aren’t quite sure which one to buy.  There are a variety of carriers to choose from; finding your style only takes a little bit of research.  It is best if you can try a few before buying them, but here is a breakdown of the basic styles:

Wrap

A wrap is super soft and flexible with a lot of versatility.  There are adjustable types as well as pre-wrapped styles offering something for everyone.  These wraps distribute the weight very well, and have no points that compress the body creating extreme comfort at almost every stage of wearing.

The adjustable types consist of a very long piece of fabric that allows multiple wrapping methods and easily grow with the baby from birth (even preemies).  The pre-wrapped are easier to get the hang of, and have much less fabric, but only fit the baby well at one stage, and may not go between care givers easily because of body shape differences. 

Wraps are often the best for the newborn stages, but are not recommended for back-carrying because of safety. 

Sling

A sling style carrier seems less intimidating than a wrap and is worn over one shoulder and across the body.  These may be a pouch-type of just fabric, or may have a clasp, like a ring, to adjust and tighten to fid the child.  They often require some support of the care giver with an extra hand, but are super fast to get on and off.  Be cautious of low-grade slings that don’t allow the baby’s head and neck to extend or their back to be fully supported.  These may not be great for extended wear because the weight isn’t distributed, but make short shopping trips much easier, and safer, than carrying the baby in the car seat. 

Soft Structured Carrier

These carriers are typically the easiest and support the baby well – especially as the baby gets older and into toddlerhood.  These carriers are often preferred by the dads.  They usually have a large panel of fabric, some adorned with pouches and hoods, and are tied or buckled to stay secure.  These adjustable carriers are excellent for extended wear like hiking, and many are useable from newborn through about 45lbs (though many need a newborn insert for those smaller stages).  Be sure to avoid the “crotch-dangling” carriers that support the baby by the groin rather than separating the legs as they would naturally go when holding your child.  This is especially important for a newborn as it is easy to dislocate the legs/hips and prevent proper physical development.

Once you’ve found the style (or often styles) you prefer, there are just a few basic safety guidelines (which may seem a little too logical, but they need to be pointed out) you’ll want to think about when you wear your baby:

• Use your carrier according to the manufacturer’s instructions including baby’s height and weight and inspect for defects before wearing.
• Practice with a doll to get comfortable with your carrier.
• Be sure baby can breathe – their chin should not fold against their chest & fabric should not cover their face.
• Be careful of your activity using the same activity precautions as you would while pregnant.
• Do not wear your baby while driving or riding in a vehicle or sleeping.
• Be sure baby’s exposed areas are protected from outside elements.
• Be cautious of what baby can reach, and what can touch your baby especially while cooking or if baby is worn on your back.
• Be sure anyone carrying your baby can assess risk, knows how to use your carrier, and understands babywearing safety.
• Position your baby close enough to kiss & in a way that mimics how you would naturally hold them with just your arms.  Baby’s back should be straight & the head and neck well supp­­orted.

So, those are the basics.  My personal favorites are the Moby or Boba Wrap and the Boba Soft Structure Carrier, and if I were going to pick just one, I would pick a wrap like the Moby or Boba Wrap (formerly known as the SleepWrap).  I recommend parents attend a babywearing workshop, or get together with a group of babywearing moms and try on a few styles.

An Instinctual Birth

Gabriel Blayne - 8lbs 15oz
Born at Home – October 3, 2011

“Deep within each woman,
lies the knowledge to give birth
without outside interventions.”

My 2nd birth – the birth I’ve been dreaming of for so long.  Bell’s birth was incredible and life changing.  This birth was as close to biological as I could have ever wished for my family.  It was the birth that I talk about so much.  It was perfect.

After a week of on and off again mild regular contractions, the night before my birth I started feeling strong cramps in my cervix.  They were irregular, then slowed, and stopped before bedtime.  I had turned off the ringers at the house for the weekend, and each night took a long warm shower, and fell asleep listening to Tibetan Bells and relaxing to the scent of Lavender aromatherapy oil.  I had been waiting…. anticipating a past “EDD” birth – but not imagining I would go 2 weeks past.  I was ready to welcome labor with open arms.

I woke up each hour to pee – just like always.  But, around 2:00, I was feeling strong cramps, and felt like these were different than the contractions I’d been feeling throughout the past week.  I called James (who was on his 3rd midnight shift of the weekend) to let him know my contractions were regular and that I was going to call Donna (Donna Spellman, CPM) to see what she thought before he came home.  Donna said to call her back in an hour and we’d see how the contractions were, so I also let James know I’d call him back in an hour.  I sent a heads up message to Allie (our birth photographer with Allie B Photography), and gave Crysta (our doula with Gentle Beginnings) a call.  I was feeling like these contractions were pretty close, and was starting to feel like I wanted someone with me.  Bell was sleeping, and if things got intense, no one was here to attend to her if she would wake.  I told Crysta I’d call her back in 1/2 hour – but I was afraid to have anyone come if things were just going to stop.

Things weren’t stopping.  But I did take a moment to snap a picture of myself.

I’m a nut about documenting events.

I called James, Crysta, & Allie in 1/2 hour.  I wasn’t waiting an hour to get someone here.  I was ready for companionship.  I just wanted someone nearby.  I was really needing to concentrate during contractions, and had to quickly finish my message to Allie because that one was getting too intense to talk.  Yes, these were progressing fast…. but – wow, don’t I have at least 6 more hours of this… then transition… and still pushing?  These are one on top of the other, I’m moaning, and I’m getting a little nervous.  I’m not doing so well am I?  But wait, this is the exact same way I felt when I was in transition with Bell.  Am I in transition???

All the sensations and movements were running through my head.  I got the birth ball out to lean on… nope, that didn’t help – I needed to walk.  All the birth scenarios were running through my head.  Thinking of someong pushing on my back was running through my head.  Every direction of the baby, every little foot movement.  I could sense all of them – I could feel the whole birth.  I knew my body was working, and the baby was doing OK because I could feel him move. 

I called Donna.  I think it had been 45 minutes.  It was time.  She had over an hour drive, and this wasn’t stopping.  I still felt bad.  It was the middle of the night – and everyone was going to come out, and this was just going to stop.  I don’t care.  I need presence.

James gets home.  Relief!  Wow, I’m getting loud.  I really don’t need to be this loud – but it just feels good, so I went with it.  But, I’m still talking and doing just fine between contractions… gosh, am I going to have to deal with this all night?  Can I handle it?  I really don’t want to…  I’m kind of done – these are intense.  James is a little panicked.  I asked him to move Bell back to her bed, and get the bed ready.  He wasn’t putting the sheets on right – and that annoyed me a little.  I just wanted it prepped – and fast.  He started getting glasses of water, straws, and putting all our birthy-needs in place.  “I need you to HELP me!”  Yup – that same scenario with Bell’s birth was coming up.  James is a prepper… but doesn’t do so well with support.  When is Crysta going to get here?  Why did I tell her to wait?  I hope Allie gets my message.

I have to pee.  It hurts to sit on the toilet.  Same feeling I’ve had for 2 weeks.  I have to pee – and I can’t.  I constantly feel like I have to poop… I’m totally pooping when this baby comes out.  I just accept it.

I decided getting in the shower will let me stand and pee.  I try the water on my back.  It was incredibly distracting.  I’m just not a water birther.  I’m a walker.  I couldn’t imagine sitting in a tub – I need to move.  I turn the water off.  Pacing – my same ritual I used with Bell.  It brings baby down, and it helps me deal with the sensations.  Oh WOW, those sensations!  I paced in our little standard 5′ tub.  “James, get the camera.”  I leaned on the bathroom wall with each contraction.  Really?  More hours of this?  Oh my gosh – someone just tell me I’m in transition and I’m doing OK.  “You can do it.”  “I can do it.”  “You’re OK… You’re OK.”  Nope – those don’t work.  Moaning… totally works.  And I was MOANING.  Bell is going to wake up, surely.  MOAN….MOAN…..OOOOOHHHHH…..I remember my deep noises this time, though.  Yup – bring that baby down, Danielle. 

“You’re doing good.”  What was that?  I thought…. James was telling me I was doing a good job….  He was taking pictures, and then just sitting by the tub watching.  He was so nervous… but this was great.  NEVER underestimate the power of encouragement and presence!  I AM doing good.  I’m loud – but I’m doing this!  And, I don’t have to get in my car and drive anywhere.  This is going to happen at my home!!!

I really need to pee.  Baby is pushing down and squishing stuff out with each contraction – but I just want to pee.  James, get me the peppermint oil on a tissue… nope, that didn’t work.  Worth a try.  Oh well, I’ll just stay in the tub.

Oooh… I am still doing this…  but how much longer?  I want to squat.  Wow, that kind of works.  I want to squat, and…. am I grunting?  A few squats with James supporting me (I almost knocked him in the tub with me) and my water broke.  Am I pushing???  No way…. no way am I already pushing.  I’m grunting.  Maybe there is a lip, I think.  These grunting pushes are good.  No one has even checked me – how awesome is that?!!  Oh, yea, I’m pooping.  Hey, at least I’m not going to feel like I have to poop anymore…Baby must be really moving down now…maybe if I poop it will make room for the baby.  (Seriously, you’ll think of all kinds of stuff when you’re in labor).  Where’s my labor land?  I so am not in labor land.  I am completely here – completely feeling everything, completely conscious and aware… but I’m doing it.  There’s no way I’m already in 2nd stage.  But, contractions were easier to rest through.  Still close – but I was getting a break.  Wow, this is awesome – totally intense, and I’m really ready to just be done.  James thinks about cleaning up the poop.  That’s love… that’s comfort.  Birth with someone who is OK cleaning up your poop!  But, I kept moving around, so he couldn’t get to it.  Wow, that stinks.  A few more pushes, and there went my water.  Oh NO!!  Meconium.  Wow, this bathroom really stinks now - and everyone is going to smell it.  Oh well… “James, call Donna… there’s meconium.”  Donna was about 15 minutes away.  I’m still squatting and grunting.  I’m going to have this baby!  Yes, I’m in 2nd stage.

James prays.  I think I pray at some point, too.

I want to stop standing.  Squatting just feels so much better. James lays down a towel and a chux pad.  Ahhhh – this is better.  I can lean… All 4s – what a powerful position.  Rest and birth at the same time.  Oh, I’m really pushing now.  No one is telling me to do anything – no one is touching me – I AM doing this all by myself!!!  James is just sitting behind me and waiting.  He’s nervous.  I’m DOING this!  I don’t care that no one else is there – I have a presence with me and I am DOING this!  I reach down… no head yet.  Oh, how long is this going to take?  A few more loud pushes – yeah, yelling just feels great.  I think of that carved stone face of the woman birthing – I totally look like her.  I’m POWERFUL!

Azstec Goddess Tlazolteotl Giving Birth - although I'm not keen on the idea of the "Goddess of Filth" this was, nevertheless, how I was picturing myself.

More pushes.  I reach down again.  I want to know how far the head is… I feel something squishy – but it is small.  It is that same distinct feeling I felt when Bell was crowning, just smaller.  OK, baby IS moving down… I AM doing this!  “Crysta is here,” James says.  I look out – she’s just quietly leaning by the wall in the bedroom.  Wonder what she’s thinking…. I’m LOUD!  Wonder if she thinks I’m nuts and not doing well… oh well… yelling just feels good!  More pushes, a little high pitched, but that’s OK.  Remember to just breathe, and you’ll be fine.  More pushes, and I’m feeling the head.  Oh, there’s that ring of fire.  I can do it – I think… I don’t want to – I think some more…  Just push – you CAN do it… you just HAVE to do it.  I only pushed for a few seconds with each contraction.  Not getting out of breath this time.  That was perfect – exactly what I could handle – no one telling me to do any more than what my body was ready to handle.  I could feel the baby moving down, then back up – wow, that’s crazy - doing the baby dance.  OK, I know we’ve still got more to go… baby is still moving up.  Oh, then there’s full on crowning.  My perineum is stretching, but I don’t think it is tearing.  Baby stops dancing.  Oh, we’re almost there I thought, and no one is interfering!!! 

A few more pushes and the head was out.  I DID it!  I DID it… and all I have left to do are the shoulders (oh, not fun) and the body!!!  “Can someone get Bell?”  Crysta says “she’s here.”  OH, cool!  I was SO glad she was able to be there – that meant the world to me!  I was worried she wouldn’t be able to see because of the small space – but James said she was watching.  I hear Donna, “There’s the head… but I’m sure you already know that!”  That was funny… I didn’t have the energy to laugh, but it was funny.  I feel her hold the baby – that was a little intense.  I knew I had to get the shoulders.  “Next contraction, I want you to reach down and hold your baby.”  OH – it is almost over… it is almost over!!!  I CAN do the shoulders – and my scar is giving me no issues (shoulders are what made me tear with Bell - that and directed pushing).  This is great!!!  I try to reach down, but I need to support myself, so I stop.  Donna holds the baby with the next few pushes, and AHHHH, relief – there’s that squishy body!

Crysta is taking pictures – AWESOME!  This birth was fast, and Allie wasn’t quite here yet.  The video camera’s battery was dead, but at least I’m going to have some pictures.  I move around, try to get into a better position, and then Donna hands me our little….  Its a boy!  A boy. I knew it!  I feel elated with this one – I didn’t have that instant feeling with Bell.  But, this was perfect – this was exactly the birth I wished for.

“Let’s cut the cord,” Donna says.  I check to see if it has stopped pulsing “Can we wait?”  “Do you still feel a pulse?”  I wasn’t sure – I was shaking – so she waited a minute or two longer.  She took the baby, and I moved to the bed.  We still had the placenta to go – but it was OVER.  2.5 hours from waking up to birth…. WOW!

We didn’t have a name picked out yet.  Interestingly, I was the one in a hurry to name him.  He was 8lbs 15oz – over a whole pound bigger than Bell.  But, was only 19.5″ long.

photo by allie b photography

photo by allie b photography

The cord was wrapped around his shoulder, which caused a little bit of cord compression, and likely the cause of the meconium staining.  He was fairly blue and limp at birth – alarming to me, but Donna checked him and he was doing well.  Funny – he has favored the ROA/ROP positions, flipping to LOA occassionally, but always back to the right.  I did some optimal fetal positioning, but felt like he was on the right for a reason.  I believe he was there because the cord was on his shoulder – and that the birth went fast so that he would do well throughout, and not have to deal with the compression for longer than he could handle.  God was watching over us.  He was well.  Not much bleeding from me, and he pinked up quickly.  He has a strong urge and suck to nurse – just like his sister did.  Now, just transitioning to a family of 4, and encapsulating my placenta next!

photo by allie b photography

What a magical experience.  Allie was able to make it for the placenta birth, and she got some beautiful pictures of our family – thank you so much for taking the time away from your family to document this special time in our lives you can watch the slideshow here – I’ve only watched it about 100 times http://gabriel.alliebphotography.com/).  Crysta was there with love and support… and she ended up cleaning up my poop.  Thank you Crysta, for being there – for being a wonderful presence – for being patient – for cleaning up my poop.   I was SO glad to have people there for 3rd stage and immediately after – just perfect! 

photo by allie b photography

Thank you Donna – thank you for no dopplers, for no vaginal exams this entire pregnancy.  Thank you for such wonderful care and advice – you are an absolutely amazing midwife!  Thank you to James for sitting patiently – for those small words of encouragement – I love you and am so glad to have been able to experience this birth in this way – even though you were nervous. 

photo by allie b photography

Thank you Bell – for starting my life over, and putting me on the path to experiencing this amazing birth. 

photo by allie b photography

Thank you God, for watching over our family and our birth team.  I didn’t need an unassisted birth… I needed THIS birth!

photo by allie b photography

Butterfly Birth

 

Biological birth is not simply “vaginal,” nor “unmedicated,” nor “natural.”  It is what nature intended.  It is if a mother were able to instinctively labor without being hindered in any way – from interventions, from watching eyes, or limits.  Esali Birth doesn’t teach about biological birth to make mothers feel guilty about their choices – but to educate how we control the situation and the effects that our choices have.  This allows us to make fully informed decisions, understand our birth experience, and be proud of how our births commence – no matter how far from biological they may become.  True biological birth is rare – mostly because of the fear placed upon birth, and human’s instinct to do everything they know of to survive and allow others to survive.   However, we have to understand the implications of these urges in order to understand how our birth experience affects our livelihood.

 

When a caterpillar is ready for their transformative stage, they spin a tight chrysalis that protects them during the process.  When the butterfly is ready to emerge, it moves about in the chrysalis and makes a tiny hole.  Upon observation, it would appear that the butterfly struggles through the hole – and to someone who is unable to simply watch nature’s intention, they may feel a strong urge to interfere with the process and “help” the butterfly with their struggle.  The problem is, this does not help the butterfly, but actually affects their quality of life.  During the emergence, the pressure from the hole squeezes the butterfly’s body and pushes fluid to the wings.  Without this process, the butterfly weakens and will not fly – but will be forced to crawl around, and will be unable to feed and continue their life cycle as nature intended.  This is the importance of biological birth.  Biological birth is intended so that humans can be transformed into the butterfly that has the strength to parent, to breastfeed, to walk, crawl, breathe, and everything else throughout our lives.  Our birth experience is one of the biggest events that will affect the rest of our life.

 

During pregnancy, the mother who takes responsibility for her nutrition and well being will create the optimal situation for a biological birth.  If she eats well, exercises, and is emotionally healthy, she will create an environment for her little one to thrive, and reduce risks associated with birth which enable her to make numerous choices for her experience.  If a mother does not take care of herself, then her body will have more difficulty accommodating the biological process, and interventions would become necessary.  However, the important thing to remember is that our bodies were made to birth.  Out of every human function, the female system was designed for reproduction and is not flawed from the beginning.  We do, nevertheless, affect the way our bodies work – so it is important to think of how our lifestyles will affect our reproductive years.

 

Just as with the butterfly, the perinatal period is simple, yet at the same time intricately full of survival mechanisms.  If mothers are supported in a positive manner and not educated to fear birth, they have the ability to birth their baby without taking a class or understanding much about the process.  A change to any of these mechanisms is a change to the biological process, and what is intended for our species.  Everything from the scent of amniotic fluid, to the positions used in labor – there is a reason for each unique system.  Spontaneous labor allows the newborn optimal time for development.  Reducing limits during birth allow the mother to move freely and work the baby through the pelvis, as well as keep up energy levels with food and drink.   Contractions help to move fluid through the newborn’s body and create the optimal setting for efficient oxygenation at birth.  An unmedicated birth allows the newborn the strength to crawl to the breast, and self-latch for the first breastfeeding.  Various biological measures are in place to reduce bacterial infection in the mother and newborn.  And, even after birth, the organ [placenta] that supported the baby’s life for so long, continues to contribute to the health and well being of the mother and baby.  These are just a few of the many methods our bodies use for survival during this spiritual period.

 

What happens when you veer from the biological process?  Sometimes, there are severe complications – sometimes, there are treatable complications.  Every time, there are implications that we may not be aware of until years down the road, or we may never notice the connection.  Does that mean they shouldn’t matter?   The most immediate complications usually involve breastfeeding difficulties which in turn may end up affecting breastfeeding success entirely.  Other common complications include assisted/cesarean deliveries, vaginal and perineal tears, postpartum hemorrhage, newborn jaundice, and newborn breathing.  These are all complications that often result in further complications – and the truth is, we just don’t know when or what complications will occur.  So, you be the judge.  Get educated about the biological process, how you affect the biological process, and then make informed decisions for your situation.

 

If you would like to learn about the survival mechanisms during the perinatal stages, and the amazing way our bodies work, join Esali Birth for a Butterfly Birth workshop.  Not in the Mid-Ohio Valley?  Contact us about a Butterfly Birth Webinar.  These, free, workshops are wonderful opportunities to learn about the significant impact we have on our birth experience, and for developing a positive attitude towards biological birth.  Hope to see you there!

 

Postpartum Privacy

A few words regarding the recovery period from birth and those who want to visit the family and meet the new baby.  This is what a mother and father may be feeling postpartum, so please, when a loved one has a baby – don’t expect to visit them soon after birth, and if you do – always call first (at a reasonable hour). 

When I was going through postpartum with my first baby, I was very lucky, in many ways, to be so far from friends and family that visits needed to be scheduled.  No one knew when the baby would arrive, and they could only come and visit after we gave them a call and told them the baby had made an entrance into the world.  And even then, we had a six hour time frame of arrival.  We didn’t have anyone with us during the birth, except our midwife and her assistant, and then we were on our own at home with poopy diapers, spit up, figuring out nursing positions – and crying about it, walking around in mesh panties with a chux pad following, and changing nursing pads.

I don’t know how you feel when you’re on your period – but it isn’t always the most glorious feeling in the world.  And, when you have approximately 6 weeks of bleeding after birth, plus figuring out how to be a mother and learning how to breastfeed – entertaining guests, or even simply having guests present who just want to see your baby, can be a little overwhelming.  You’re totally unsure of yourself, you wonder if you’ve got blood on your pants, you’re not well rested, and cleaning the house is the last thing on your mind.

Whether you birthed out of the home or in your own bed, you typically have a few days of being in a sort of fog from birth.  The midwives, doula, or nursing staff have helped cleaned up a bit and gotten you off to a good start with parenting, but, then a few days pass, and you’re finally in that “this is real” stage of postpartum.  It is kind of like the active to transition stage of labor – where it is totally doable, but probably no longer exciting (for a little while).  You have work to do, and people visiting you can get a little aggravating.  Family and friends are anxious to meet the new baby and hear all the details, and you’re just becoming exhausted.

But that’s not it – that doesn’t quite explain the clear picture of a postpartum mom and dad after a normal birth (with no complications, might I add).  Do some parents pick right up where they left off feeling as if there is no “recovery” needed?  Absolutely.  But postpartum recovery for most moms involves a recovery of emotions, of routine changes, and getting used to new responsibilities.

First and foremost, birth experience will have the biggest affect on postpartum.  Mom may have had a wonderful empowering birth experience – but in all reality, unfortunately, that isn’t how most birth experiences go.  The more educated parents are, the better choices they make for birth.  And the better the choices are, the higher likelihood of a pleasant birth experience is for them.  However, what if things don’t go as expected?  Well, if mom experienced a medicated birth, an assisted birth (i.e. vacuum extraction…etc.), or a cesarean, she’ll be dealing with more emotions and more recovery than even the small yet significant changes that we’ll discuss here.  So just remember that you don’t know what parents are thinking or feeling (or exactly what they experienced) – and that this postpartum period isn’t just another time to meet the baby.  It is a time of a lot of physical and emotional changes that help make Mom, Dad, and baby who they will become over the next year.  This is their time – their time for a babymoon.  So, just as you would respect their honeymoon, this period involves a much more tremendous amount of respect.

Mom is having “afterpains.”  Her uterus is involuting (shrinking to its normal pre-pregnancy size).  This is kind of like period cramps and often stronger in moms who’ve been pregnant before.  When mom nurses, these afterpains are often stronger because the oxytocin release during a “let down” (when the milk flows faster and stronger) increases the strength of these mini-contractions.  Not unbearable, but a little annoying to deal with when you’ve got guests.  During all of this, she also has a discharge called lochia, which is like a really heavy period, and it lasts approximately 6 weeks, getting lighter as the weeks continue.  Sometimes she passes small clots within the discharge.  She has to wear large pads that fill up quickly, and you almost feel like you have a huge overnight diaper between your legs.  In fact, many postpartum moms wear depends because they’re more comfortable and easier to deal with.  She’s likely a little embarrassed by it, and probably wonders if you can see anything bulging.  Not to mention being afraid of bleeding all over herself and her furniture while guests are playing with the baby.  Some moms carry a chux pad (like a big waterproof gauze pad) around to sit on for just this reason– and this isn’t very pleasant to see.  And, if there is only one bathroom in the house, she probably doesn’t want to worry about changing the trash bag just to accommodate guests.  She’s probably gotten used to walking around half naked – maybe in a sports bra and mesh panties – during this time because she feels like she’ll bleed all over her clothes, or simply just doesn’t want to worry about a shirt while breastfeeding – so, now she’s a little uncomfortable that she has to make herself presentable – that’s the least of her focus right now.

Physically, she may feel very odd.  If she’s had any vaginal tears, which are none of your business, she probably feels like she needs to waddle through the house.  Urinating and having a bowel movement may be uncomfortable – and she probably doesn’t want to worry about putting up (or explaining) her peri bottle (which is used to help alleviate discomforts while using the bathroom).  Using the bathroom, even just urinating, can take a bit of time.  She may have trouble walking to the bathroom, and the discomfort during her bathroom break would be much more comfortable if there weren’t guests nearby.  If there are no tears, she still may feel a little tender, and just a little odd walking around.  Her organs have been pushed up rather close to her chest for the past few months, and are now finding their way back to their pre-pregnancy location.  Her lung capacity is increased because of the additional room – making breathing feel very awkward –  and she may very well feel like her organs are going to drop through her body because they’ve been supported by a uterus and baby for quite some time now.  She may feel out of breath and as if she needs to hold up her stomach and walk hunched over for the next few weeks.  She doesn’t want to do this in front of many people – it is discouraging to think about what others are thinking – or very uncomfortable to make it appear as though she doesn’t need to do it.  She probably feels awkward and self-conscious about her skin and stomach as it changes during postpartum – and may or may not ever look like pre-pregnancy again - especially if she received comments during pregnancy about her size and shape. 

Emotionally, Mom and Dad can be a plethora of things.  They may feel energetic the first few days after birth, and then totally exhausted the next.  Mom may feel cheery, or she may just want to cry.  They may have had a rough night and need the extra rest, and your plans for visiting may need to be postponed.  Dad is still in that protective mode from birth, and his hormones are adjusting to parenthood in a very similar fashion to mom’s.  Mom’s hormones are changing, and leveling off, and she is adjusting to a new type of lifestyle.  They don’t want to hear all the things that you did that worked, or that were differently from them.  Mom and dad need to figure this out together because this baby is different than your babies, their older babies, or any other babies – and that is perfectly fine.  All the advice, books, and guidance in the world really can’t make up for in-the-moment learning about parenting – and they don’t want to feel judged in any sort of way.  They are tired – but hopefully eating well.  Nutrition is vital to emotional and physical health.  If you are the in-laws, you may likely be increasing a little more stress in your son-in-law or daughter-in-law.  We likely feel more judged by our in-laws than our own family, and we’re even less likely to speak up about it – so please be courteous with your thoughts during this time.  Positive conversations about what you remember going through will likely make a postpartum mom or dad feel better about their decisions – but they don’t need advice - they just need time to figure it out without someone looking over their shoulder.

Mom’s milk is probably maturing at this time.  Her breasts are likely much larger than normal – in a veiny and bulging sort of way – not a plump and luscious manner, and she probably feels self conscious.  None of her clothes fit quite right at this point.  She may be engorged and trying to get the baby to latch on to her breast well.  She doesn’t want you watching, and she probably keeps wondering if she has milk pouring down her shirt.  And, if she is formula feeding – she has these same feelings because her breasts go through the same changes.  Nursing with visitors around has nothing to do with being comfortable “nursing in public” although this is also a factor for many moms.  This is a learning period for her and the baby.  Even if she has breastfed before – this is a new baby with a new personality and the same need to learn how to breastfeed as any other baby.  She would likely rather take her shirt off, with baby skin to skin, let the milk drip from the other side, and just figure out how to comfortably latch her baby on without someone watching.  Even worrying that she has guests in the living room waiting on her and the baby’s return is exhausting.  She just wants to take the time needed to get the hang of breastfeeding.  She may need to remove the baby from the breast, latch on, and repeat this 10 times before the baby is latched comfortably enough so that she can enjoy breastfeeding and feed her baby.  And, newborn baby’s nurse about once an hour, for quite a while; this is normal.  She doesn’t want to hear that her milk is not satisfying her baby, that she would feel better if she just used a bottle, or that what she is doing is uncomfortable for you.  Her baby’s stomach is just very tiny (about the size of a marble to a ping pong ball) and breastmilk digests very easily.  Imagine how often you would eat if your food was a laxative and your stomach was that small.  If baby is fussy, she likely needs to nurse, so just take it as your cue to leave. 

So, as a loving friend or family of someone with a new baby, what can you consider during postpartum visits? 

• You’ll have plenty of time to meet the baby.  This is mom and dad’s time (and the sibling’s time) to get to know their new family member.  This is a time of adjustment and needs to be respected.
• If you are going to visit a postpartum family, be prepared with some kind of help – like a home cooked meal, healthy snacks, or some toilet paper, bread, or milk.  If you want to help by cooking or cleaning while you’re at the postpartum house, please arrange this prior to your visit.  If you come and just start picking things up, doing dishes, or saying “can I clean your house for you?” – it may very well be seen as an insult.  Cleaning is the last thing on their mind, but they definitely don’t want to feel like their guests are concerned about a messy house.  Although these things are much appreciated, if mom and dad aren’t ready for the longer visit it would take to do these things, then they aren’t always helpful.  Know that their house will be messy.  And certainly don’t drop by without notice because it can elicit a lot of anxiety on someone if they are personally concerned about a messy house with guests in it.  They’re adjusting to a new baby in the house, they don’t need the added stress.
• Don’t wait for them to tell you they’re ready for a nap or want to feed the baby alone - or it is time for you to go.  Get real.  When does anyone ever say “OK, time for you to go now, we want our privacy.”  Most humans just don’t interact in that manner.  They feel like they’re being rude, even though it is their home.  They appreciate your help and love that you want to be near them, but they really just want their privacy and time to get to know their baby.  Plan to stay a very short time.  This is your responsibility.  Have the courtesy to excuse yourself.  If they want you to stay longer, they’ll let you know.
• Baby wants to be with mommy.  Mommy may love a break and love for you to hold the new little one.  However, personally, I am one of those people who don’t like to pass my baby around.  I will ask you if you want to hold the baby, when I’m ready.  I would rather you not ask me, and certainly do not just go up and grab my baby.  Know that babies can be over-stimulated very easily – so keep your cuddling sessions limited unless you’re making my baby very happy by rocking it to sleep.
• If you’re a friend or family member that doesn’t have children – you have absolutely no idea what these new parents are experiencing.  It doesn’t matter if you grew up babysitting, if you had younger siblings in your family, or if you even lived with someone while they had a new baby.  When you have your own baby and are the one making all the decisions – you will know how different every child is, and how much responsibility you now have, and how emotional this time can be for each individual.  Don’t make judgments based on something you’ve not been through.
• When you want to assume that the parents are doing something wrong because the child is not reacting in some sort of way that you approve of - it is probably time for you to leave.  Let these parents figure it out.  It is better to instinctively parent from the heart – and respecting that each parent will make different choices is very important.  It is OK if it is not what you would choose for your own child.  And it is OK for this generation – or any – to read parenting books.  We live in a very different culture now, and it is always a great thing to continue learning.
• Donate some money to hire a postpartum doula.  Don’t be offended when they want their postpartum doula there longer than you.  A postpartum doula already understands all of these needs of a postpartum family, and has a very objective approach.  Mom probably feels very comfortable that she is receiving breastfeeding help from the postpartum doula, that the doula is helping older siblings to be integrated within the family, and that she doesn’t have to worry one bit about her doula judging the way her house looks.  The doula is used to seeing moms with pads and chux pads, holding up their stomachs, and milk soaked shirts.  This is second nature to the doula, and this kind of care makes mom and dad feel much more comfortable.  It does not mean they don’t appreciate your love and care.

And new moms, don’t let this discourage you by any means.  Some moms love the visitors and love the help – and it all depends on your personal birth experience, your personality, and the type of help you’re recieving.  Postpartum is a wonderful time for most parents, when properly supported.  It is a time that is best spent babymooning, not entertaining.  Even if you love the visitors – you do need to rest and take this time to spend bonding with your baby.  It is often the first-time moms that don’t grasp how important it is to tell their friends and family to limit their visits (if at all).  Your friends and family do not need to be a big part of your birth experience or your postpartum.  This is YOUR time.  This is YOUR family.  Speak up and avoid unnecessary stress.  It is such a short time and you’ll appreciate the privacy.  Check out this post for an example Do Not Disturb door sign and a letter to family and friends if you don’t know where to start with communicating your postpartum wishes.

 

What did you experience with your postpartum visits that you wish your friends and family would have better understood?  Send me a note and I’ll update the list!